Letting go

                Hi, it’s me again. It’s been quite a while since I last wrote a blog in here. Well a lot of things happened this year. It’s been really crazy. Life’s crazy. And I’m also crazy. Everything’s been a little bit of bumpy now. I am in a big mess. I’m just so so so sad.

            Love is something you don’t give up easily. Love is something you fight for. Love is a beautiful feeling you share with someone special. Love is patient, kind, it is not jealous, it’s not self-seeking, it does not boast, it always hopes, always trusts, and always perseveres. Love is not something that you just easily let go. It doesn’t work that way.

            What does it take to love someone truly? Loving someone doesn’t always mean, you guys should always be happy, loving someone doesn’t mean you guys should be together. It doesn’t mean you should be boyfriend and girlfriend. When you truly love someone, you should take her for who she is. Every single thing, may it be positive or negative. You cannot choose to love a part of her and hate the rest; otherwise it’s not love at all. When you say you love someone, you don’t just say it. Words really can’t prove anything unless it is acted upon. Now when you say you love someone it takes time and effort to prove it. When you say that you are in love with someone, you should always check your heart if it is real, and it is not just carried by an emotion at its current state. You can’t say that you’re in love because, you feel really happy with her at the moment. That is not love. Love is a sweet growing process. And it doesn’t just sprout out of nowhere, it should be nourished. Now, why do I say this with so much confidence? I don’t know.

            What happens when pain comes in? Say you are in a relationship, and your partner decides that he can’t do it anymore. What if suddenly you don’t get the love back? What if the feeling isn’t mutual? What if he gives up first? Would you still hold on? Would you still gamble your feelings? Can you still say that you still love that person? Despite of the pain, can you still hold on?  I say, YES. If that is true love of course you would also say yes. I personally experienced the same, I did everything to win him back. I was even willing to change every bit of me, for him to love me again. I was … And to him, it was like nothing happened. It was like, he still cannot love me. And it pains me to see him really happy without me. #Mmmmmmasakit!

            PAIN at its best! It’s when you did everything to change yourself for him to love you again and he still doesn’t. When you are the one who’s with him, you’re the one who’s here, who gives everything to him, who loves him so much, and he still chooses someone from a land far away. OUCH! It is when he gives up your relationship, because he is not happy anymore. It is when he knows that you still love him and he still manages to have an affair with your BESTFRIEND. And worst is everybody hid it from you. 1 million times OUCH! And despite of EVERYTHING, you still LOVE him. Oh-WOW! That’s how much I loved him. And that’s how much pain I was willing to take just to prove that it really love him. And once again, PAIN at its best. He still manages to do it again. Now that’s a shocker. Even I myself can’t believe that he can afford to do that to me. *What am I talking about?* (You should be really close to me to fully understand)

            How long can you hold on? Now, this question is posted on my mind. How long will I allow myself to get hurt? How long? I know loving someone takes a lot of time and effort. And I do love him. I really do. I don’t even know how I was able to reach this point. I have no idea how I was able to handle everything. But there is only one thing that I am certain of, and that is, I love him too much. A love that was powerful enough to make me forget that I should also love myself. A love that was so blinded of the idea of being loved again by somebody who will never love her back. …

            For a moment I thought that this might work. I thought that maybe, just maybe, he’s feelings for me would come back. But I was wrong. I was all wrong. I thought that we can still be the same as before. Wrong again. I just pity myself. I was so stupid to believe in my make-believe stories. Umasa lang ako. Demmet!

            I don’t want to look back someday and wonder “What ifs”. What if I fought for my love for him? What if I did this or that? Would there be difference? Will all of it be worth it? What if I held on to that feeling that I once had? Would I be happy? Was he really worth the pain? What if I stayed? What if? At least one day, I would post those questions, because I already did the best that I can to work this out. And I won’t be wondering what ifs. And now I know the answers to those questions. And now, it’s time to let go.

            After doing every possible thing that I can, there were no signs of regrets. Honestly, it was more of a lesson learned. It’s been almost 2 years. I think it’s finally time to let go, time to give myself a chance to feel loved again, time to feel special to someone again, and a time to be happy once more. I guess it’s been a long journey, and I can say that it’s been worthwhile.

            Finally, to the person I really love, I wish you all the best in life. I wish you well. I hope that you’d be happy in your decisions in life. I am saying that we won’t be friends anymore, but maybe someday I can give that to you. But for now, I need to really stay away, tao ako, napapagod din. Pagod na pagod na ako. But I understand that we don’t always get what we want. I hope you get what you want. I hope you find that someone who will truly, truly make you happy. I know now that it’s not me. And I understand. It really hurts but I will be strong. I can do this now without you. Thank you for everything.

Goodbye. 

            “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”

            “If you love someone set it free…”

 LIFE GOES ON, Marjj 

Am I still in love with you?

AHHH! Hi there imaginary readers! Somethings telling me to blog about this e. I was not planing this, but it suddenly popped out of my mind. And I am posted with a question? 

Am I still in love with him? I can't seem to understand myself. 

I just don't understand myself anymore. I FEEL like I am over him. But I still care. I really do. 

Proofs that I care:

It was late at night, he told me may promblema daw sya, agad agad akong nag vib sakanya, even though my training ako early morning the following day, I still stayed up with him till 1am yata. 

Nung nagka-dengue siya, eto ako natataranta. I even stayed with him sa hospital nung walang nagbantay sakanya. 

I still open his e-class and his account sa portal to check his grades. @@ And I still make sermon pag may failing mark siya. 

Actually, madami pa e. Pero yan nalang muna. The point is I still care about him. I know caring and loving are two different things. Kaya may dagdag pa akong problema, I am confused. I dont know how to react e! 

Everybody knows we are friends. After the break up. Everybody was amazed because we still became friends, after 3 months I guess, we became friends again. And after a year, we became closer. :) Look at us now, we share our problems with each other, and talk about private matter with each other. He is  like a super close friend to me na. Eto yung confusing part, when he talks about other girls with me. Yung "Chix" thing. Everybody knows that naman. Mga guys mahilig sa chix. Pero siya kase, ngayon nalang ulit poporma sa babae. After the break up. (AY! Meron na pala syang ibang pinormahan, but it didn't work out e. Mga, 6 months after the break up yon.) Tapos ngayon meron nanaman. After a year. Pero 1 year na siyang walang girlfriend. Sooooo.. Ayon, parang ngayon, naghahanap na sya. And meron na siyang prospect. In fact kilala ko. Just an acquaintance, not naman close, pero kilala ko. Ewan ko! Di ko alam anong dapat kong maramdaman e! Parang di naman ako nasasaktan gaya ng dati. I really don't know. Parang wala lang naman saakin. Okay lang naman. Pero, parang awkward kase e. May something parin... 

AH BASTA! yun na yon. Di ko lang alam papano i-explain yung feeling na yon. Anjan parin kase kame para sa isa't isa e. Pero I can really see that he has completely moved on. Ako lang naman tong tatanga tanga dito e. @@ Ang gulo talaga. Pero thankful talaga ako for him kase, siya yung tumutulong saakin ngayon. Tapos, parang siya ung anjan palagi para saakin. Lalo na ngayong I am facing problems. I am really thankful to God for giving me a friend like him. Bihira ka kase makakita ng naghiwalay na tapos super magkaibigan pa after all. Lalo na sa situation namin. Kaya parang hirap ako. EWAN! Basta yun na!

Ayos na ako, nailabas ko na ang aking mga saloobin. 

Byeeee! :3 

#MissMarjj

Conversation (10/24/12)

M: Uyy, pag maghanap ka ba ng girlfriend, un ding maaalagaan ka tulad ng pagaalaga ko sayo or ung mas higit pa sa pagaalaga ko sayo. Wag din ung tinetake ka lang for granted! WEW. 

W: Mahirap, Marjj. Mahirap talaga maghanap ng ganyan. 

M: HAHAHA! Fina-flatter mo naman ako. :)) 


WAHAHA! Wala lang. :)) I just wanna blog this because I want to recall this someday. :)


*MissMarjj

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                Hi there!  So here’s the sitch. Kahapon, 09-23-12 was his mom’s birthday. It was a rainy Sunday afternoon. When my phone rang, it was “Tita sha”. When I answer the call, I heard a different voice. It was him. He was asking if I have eaten my lunch already. And I ask him back, why are you asking? Then he said its tita’s birthday and tita wants me to go with them on a lunch. Then I said that I would go with them. Then they fetch me and we went to a restaurant in Mercerdes I guess.

                When we arrived at the venue, they were ordering the food, and the kids were playing and I was there sitting with Wilbur. Then, Wilbur was borrowing something from his dad I guess it was a wireless charger for an iPhone. *NYALA!* Then we were talking and bla blabla… When he was about to return that charger thingy to his dad, I accidentally saw something in his phone, and his dad knew that I saw it. Ayooooon! Awkward moment, and then Wilbur smiled at me. And I was faking a smile also. HAHAHA! He was acting strange and looking at me as if he wants to read what’s on my mind. And the he started to explain about that picture that I saw. Then I said that I wasn’t asking for your explanation. “Break na nga tayo diba? Di na tayo. Kaya wag ka nang magexplain. DON’T BUY THE GUILT!” I was wondering why he was trying to explain himself. I really was asking myself why. And then his dad was laughing and I was also laughing. And suddenly, I realized that I am not hurt anymore. I didn’t feel even a slight sting. I don’t know, but maybe because I am used to this kind of pain already that I don’t feel it anymore, or maybe because, I finally accepted that fact about it already, the fact that, it’s really over between us. I really don’t know.

                Then we finished eating, and we got out of the resto, when we were on our way to their house, he told me that he was trying to explain because he doesn’t want to see me get hurt again because of him. He was trying to avoid me getting hurt. And then I told him, that it’s okay. And at the back of my mind, I was telling him that hurting me is just his natural habit. But no, I didn’t tell him that because I don’t really feel the pain anymore. And that I was trying to be strong, and I was trying to show him that I am not hurt anymore. And I just want to be happy with him that day. I don’t really understand myself anymore at this point. It is just so cloudy. And I don’t know. I am really confused about these feelings that I have right now. But the story didn’t end there. His mom invited me to have dinner with them together with his tita’s and tito’s families. And since I wasn’t really busy that day, and I can’t afford to say no to his mom. I said yes. Besides, I still want to be with them naman e. J So yon, we had dinner at Palmeras. And everything was calm and relaxed that time. We were laughing and having talks. Sayang nga lang I didn’t get the chance to have a picture with them. </3 Ahhhh. But yon, when we were happy naman. And then on our way home we were laughing still and enjoying the moment. As we arrived home, Wilbur was walking with me to the gate, then to our door. Tapos, I said na it’s better if he pass in the small front door, para di na sya maglakad ng malayo. Then when I was opening the door, I stopped for a while. I look at him in the eye. And we were so so so close. Then I opened the door. He left.

                After all that had happened that day, I can say that yes. I am happy that it all happened. But then, I didn’t feel any thrill. Or maybe I was denying it. AHH! Ewan. In time. All this will heal.  

Just the way it is

I’m just happy this way

**4 ka ba?

***Kase I love you 4ever!

Okay, I’m just so happy that we regained this friendship, but what if? What if we had more?

After the break up, I have learned a lot of things, discovered new stuffs, and of course realized a lot of things. I was wrong. I did a lot of mistakes when we were together. I acted weird and I didn’t know what I was doing. Insecurities killed the real me. And… I lost him. </3 Isang malaking sayang. . .

If given the chance that I’d be back in his arms again, this time it would be different! I’d be better. I’ll give him something new. Make him feel something better. I’ll make sure he’ll be happy. I’ll do my best to make things work and be the best, if not the BEST, I’ll be something he’ll never forget.

HAAAAH. Nakakapanghinayang lang na ngayong nahanap ko na ang sarili ko, wala na siya sa tabi ko. @@ At times, I have that strong urge na kung kaya ko lang talaga i-turn back ang time I would really change the way I acted dati. @@ I realized A LOT of things when we were apart. I realized that there’s more to life than just US. And kahit kame, we still have our individual lives. Chaka, Ok din ung nagpapa-MISS ka paminsan. HAHA! Basta, un na yon.

 I’m not saying that I am regretting the things that had happen, I’m just saying that it could have been better. We could have been stronger. We could have last longer.  

But then again, It's just the way it is. . . . Come on! I wanna work things out once more. I'm not closing any doors. And I can only avoid expectations, and just put my faith in God, that he does every little thing for a reason. Of that i'm sure! :) 

#MissMarjj

Movie night

OKAY.

Nanood kame ng THE MISTRESS with his mom and dad. Its been quite awhile since nagkita kame ng dad nea. T'was so unusual. Nakakahiya na nga e. But tita sharon was still the same. Nagkikita din naman kame every now and then. HAAAAYYYYY.. I miss the old days, peroooo. I just realize kanina na, I dont feel the pain anymore. or maybe because I am denying it. Pero parang I GOT USED to the pain to the point that it doesn't hurt me anymore. ORRR maybe I just started to accept the fact that it is really over. I really don't know. Dala na din siguro ng movie. @@

Natutuo din pala talaga ang mga tao. Nagbabago din ang lahat. Sanayan lang tlga ang kailangan. Ang dami na rin talagang ng bago. HAAYYYYY. Pero ang saya ko lang kanina. MASAYAAAAAA. MASAAAYAAAA. Kahit panandalian, naging masaya ako. KAHIT PANADALIAN, KAHIT PAMINSAN LANG. 


Its really hard to choose between what the mind and the heart is telling you. Yung feeling na, gusto mo na tlagang maglet go, but somethings telling you to hold on a little longer. AAAAAH. -_______- Nakakamatay. </3 

And oh! I forgot to mention na kanina, we often say the same exact words. kakatuwa nga e. and ung mga naiisip namen, somehow pareho. WALA LANG. I find it significant. HEEEEE. :> Waaaaaaaaaaah. OKAY/


At the end of the day, im just so happy that it all happened. :)


^MissMarjj

Septemeber 2012

Mago-one year na kame break, malapit na. PEROOOOO. Ang hirap parin talagang mag move on. Just this month, I took the courage to ask if its okay if we give it another try. Sadly, sabi nea gusto nea pang mag grow at ng SOMETHING NEW. OH MY GAAAAAAAAALLLLLY @@ Sakit man. Ok. Tanga na kung tanga, martyr na kung martyr. OK. Mahal ko e. Mahal ko parin sya. -____-