Letting go

                Hi, it’s me again. It’s been quite a while since I last wrote a blog in here. Well a lot of things happened this year. It’s been really crazy. Life’s crazy. And I’m also crazy. Everything’s been a little bit of bumpy now. I am in a big mess. I’m just so so so sad.

            Love is something you don’t give up easily. Love is something you fight for. Love is a beautiful feeling you share with someone special. Love is patient, kind, it is not jealous, it’s not self-seeking, it does not boast, it always hopes, always trusts, and always perseveres. Love is not something that you just easily let go. It doesn’t work that way.

            What does it take to love someone truly? Loving someone doesn’t always mean, you guys should always be happy, loving someone doesn’t mean you guys should be together. It doesn’t mean you should be boyfriend and girlfriend. When you truly love someone, you should take her for who she is. Every single thing, may it be positive or negative. You cannot choose to love a part of her and hate the rest; otherwise it’s not love at all. When you say you love someone, you don’t just say it. Words really can’t prove anything unless it is acted upon. Now when you say you love someone it takes time and effort to prove it. When you say that you are in love with someone, you should always check your heart if it is real, and it is not just carried by an emotion at its current state. You can’t say that you’re in love because, you feel really happy with her at the moment. That is not love. Love is a sweet growing process. And it doesn’t just sprout out of nowhere, it should be nourished. Now, why do I say this with so much confidence? I don’t know.

            What happens when pain comes in? Say you are in a relationship, and your partner decides that he can’t do it anymore. What if suddenly you don’t get the love back? What if the feeling isn’t mutual? What if he gives up first? Would you still hold on? Would you still gamble your feelings? Can you still say that you still love that person? Despite of the pain, can you still hold on?  I say, YES. If that is true love of course you would also say yes. I personally experienced the same, I did everything to win him back. I was even willing to change every bit of me, for him to love me again. I was … And to him, it was like nothing happened. It was like, he still cannot love me. And it pains me to see him really happy without me. #Mmmmmmasakit!

            PAIN at its best! It’s when you did everything to change yourself for him to love you again and he still doesn’t. When you are the one who’s with him, you’re the one who’s here, who gives everything to him, who loves him so much, and he still chooses someone from a land far away. OUCH! It is when he gives up your relationship, because he is not happy anymore. It is when he knows that you still love him and he still manages to have an affair with your BESTFRIEND. And worst is everybody hid it from you. 1 million times OUCH! And despite of EVERYTHING, you still LOVE him. Oh-WOW! That’s how much I loved him. And that’s how much pain I was willing to take just to prove that it really love him. And once again, PAIN at its best. He still manages to do it again. Now that’s a shocker. Even I myself can’t believe that he can afford to do that to me. *What am I talking about?* (You should be really close to me to fully understand)

            How long can you hold on? Now, this question is posted on my mind. How long will I allow myself to get hurt? How long? I know loving someone takes a lot of time and effort. And I do love him. I really do. I don’t even know how I was able to reach this point. I have no idea how I was able to handle everything. But there is only one thing that I am certain of, and that is, I love him too much. A love that was powerful enough to make me forget that I should also love myself. A love that was so blinded of the idea of being loved again by somebody who will never love her back. …

            For a moment I thought that this might work. I thought that maybe, just maybe, he’s feelings for me would come back. But I was wrong. I was all wrong. I thought that we can still be the same as before. Wrong again. I just pity myself. I was so stupid to believe in my make-believe stories. Umasa lang ako. Demmet!

            I don’t want to look back someday and wonder “What ifs”. What if I fought for my love for him? What if I did this or that? Would there be difference? Will all of it be worth it? What if I held on to that feeling that I once had? Would I be happy? Was he really worth the pain? What if I stayed? What if? At least one day, I would post those questions, because I already did the best that I can to work this out. And I won’t be wondering what ifs. And now I know the answers to those questions. And now, it’s time to let go.

            After doing every possible thing that I can, there were no signs of regrets. Honestly, it was more of a lesson learned. It’s been almost 2 years. I think it’s finally time to let go, time to give myself a chance to feel loved again, time to feel special to someone again, and a time to be happy once more. I guess it’s been a long journey, and I can say that it’s been worthwhile.

            Finally, to the person I really love, I wish you all the best in life. I wish you well. I hope that you’d be happy in your decisions in life. I am saying that we won’t be friends anymore, but maybe someday I can give that to you. But for now, I need to really stay away, tao ako, napapagod din. Pagod na pagod na ako. But I understand that we don’t always get what we want. I hope you get what you want. I hope you find that someone who will truly, truly make you happy. I know now that it’s not me. And I understand. It really hurts but I will be strong. I can do this now without you. Thank you for everything.

Goodbye. 

            “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”

            “If you love someone set it free…”

 LIFE GOES ON, Marjj